So this weekend we went to the bush-bush and boy was it an experience. Before we left God started speaking to me, and He asked me a few things. He said, if I took away the people closest to you, if I took away your best friend, if you never saw your family again, and I had you live here for the rest of your life would you still love me, or would you fall back in to your old self? I've noticed so often in my past whenever things got hard, whenever God took away a person that I treasured the most, things when downhill for me. I threw myself back into who I was before, which inturn threw me into a lot of self-hatred. But thinking about it, and actually very scared of actually giving up all my rights and trusting in Jesus, I realized something, we cannot let circumstances define our relationship with Him. Life circumstances will probably always affect us. But they shouldn't affect our relationship with God. So often we get offended when God takes away something we treasured, but we didn't realize He was the one who gave it to us in the first place. Although it's super cliché and over used in the church I responded to what God asked me and said, You give and take away, but still I will say Lord blessed be your name.
So I'm learning I have to come to God with my hands open, He can give and take as He wants. It's painful, but there's so much joy in letting go, and leaning on the Everylasting Arms.
But as I went to the bush-bush I could actually feel the letting go, and how it changed my heart. As we arrived there, and started ministrying to the people, I realized in the West, we don't need a savior. We don't need healing because we have doctors, we don't need God to provide for us, because we have money enough, even if it's just enough to get by. Now does that make our relationship with Him easier or harder? I'm not quite sure. But here, they need Him more than anything, they're all starving, and have so much they need healing for in their bodies. It breaks your heart to see how much they actually need a savior.
I gave my simple testimoney in front of 500-1000 villagers, and told them how I grew up believing I was worthless, and no good, and that no one could ever love me. But when I experienced the love of God the Father, it changed me, and I really experienced love for the first time. I kept it simple and short, and really more than anything wanted to share how much God loved them. I talked to my fellow missionaries afterwards, and they said it was amazing, and went so well. And I was priviledged that God would use me.
As I prayed for the people I started to realize that I really carry the love of Jesus inside my eyes, so I tilted the chin of the ones I was praying for up to me, and I said, “Jesus loves you”, and smiled and looked into their eyes. And you could actually see a change in their countanance, I could actually feel love going into them even though the language barrier was there and they couldn't understand me. Almost all of them, of all ages after praying for them I hugged them, to show them I actually loved them.
Throughout the trip I realized I had given up my rights because of my heart posture, I could actually feel it. I mean how could I love the bush-bush if I hadn't? The living conditions were disgusting, we were hungry, and we were so tired. There were so many bugs, and no power, nothing but a hole that smelled so bad to go to the bathroom in. And yet I was falling in love with this place. In fact I loved it much more then my current “home” at Iris Ministries. And I started to be even more thankful for this place I am living at here at Iris, compared to most of Africa we are living amazingly.
As we journed back from the bush-bush in a packed uncomfortable truck full of close to 30 smelly people I didn't feel tired, I didn't feel gross, I didn't feel unthankful. I felt so thankful, and I began to talk to God and tell Him who He is, to adore Him for who He is. I began to worship Him, and sing to Him and thank Him. And I started to lean on Him even more, and I started to finally fall in love with God. I opened up my Bible and started to read some of Matthew, and when reading about the crowds that came to Him, after being in the bush-bush I could actually picture what that was like, and my prayer for the Word to come alive to me is finally being answered.
Learning to give up your rights will change your life, forever.
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